“Passion is a positive obsession. Obsession is a negative passion.”      – Paul Carvel -

Someone I greatly love and respect once told me that either I give 110% or don’t bother wasting my time on something or anything……

I’ve always held on to that thought in my actions. That piece of advice still rings loud in my head.

I think obsession is a good thing. Too much of anything and everything is often detrimental, but isn’t it the obsession of details that makes great men? The capacity to stay concentrated on a subject, hobby or interest with much desire until it becomes a burning obsession leads to great discoveries and a mastery of perfection. But when do you draw the line between being passionate and being obsessive?

Love becomes a burden when too much love turns into an obsession. But is it really love, or simply the dejection from rejection that keeps one obsessed even when love no longer lingers in the heart?

I lost a friendship few years ago. He was a good friend to me when I first arrived in UK for the final year of my studies. I really enjoyed his company and appreciated his caring ways. But I think our friendship literally ended when he confessed his intentions and I declined. Perhaps the scars are still physically visible. How can one be with someone all the time and yet not know anything at all about the other person, especially if it’s someone you’re interested in? Perhaps he felt that he knew me well, when in fact, I think we were strangers at heart eventhough we spent much time together. Is one’s past important? I think it is. Perhaps many will not agree with me, but I think in order to understand a person’s action or train of thoughts, one has to first understand her past. Did it hurt me to hurt him? It did. But cruelty is kindness in disguise. I was a victim of one, and still recovering when I had to return that same cruelty to someone else. It was not because I wasn’t interested, it was because I wasn’t ready for another serious relationship, and his persistance became a compulsive obsession that scared me.

A while ago, I met a guy who seemed like a really sweet gentleman. He seemed like your average boy-next-door with a good sense of fashion, career path and the manners that any mom would be proud of. But after our first ’date’ at a mamak stall, he started calling me everyday, six times a day. It started off with a morning call, followed by a call asking if I’d like to go out for breakfast, then a mid morning call for lunch, then afternoon call to ask what I was doing, then evening call for dinner and followed by a late night call to chat. I’ve had my fairshare of ambitious men and to have a guy who gave constant attention to my welfare was flattering. Then red flags literally flagged up and down my thoughts after ….. a week. I think we’ve only gone out three times and I’ve always made it a point to go common areas such as mamak, tai pai tong food court area. And conversations about his manhood and strong sperms and how many kids he’d want killed my appetite. Actually, it was more like an obliging nod of “oh, aheh..issit…haha…good for your future wife. Er…… *wave frantically*  BOSS! kira…..”  from me. There was once he called while I was getting ready for appt with gynae and he insisted to come along despite a resounding “NO!” from me. T’was then that I realised this guy really had some serious issues. He would call me up to 20 times a day if I don’t answer the phone.  It was a typical “Where are you? What are you doing? Dinner with who? Can I join?” conversation. And when he showed me a tattoo of his ex-gf’s name across his chest and the story of how they had to settle out of court when he sued her for abusing him, it was DEFINITELY a deal-breaker no matter how I tried to work around that whole obsession thingy. I gave many hints that I was just interested in friendship, but sometimes… I think it’s better to state the obvious. Lesson learnt. The final straw came when I decided to decline meeting his friends for reason that I was not feeling well. He sent me a sequence of angry text messages, followed by several sorry text messages, followed by drive-by’s, followed by relentless phonecalls.  So, was that love at first sight or pure obsession?

I’ve always been a self-learner. When I become interested in a particular subject, I’ll buy self-help books, surf the internet, ask friends, make new acquaintances of similar interests, read and practice till I become familiar with it. Jack of all trades, master of none, they say. But life is short isn’t it? There are so many things to learn, so little time.

I could never understand the psychology of stalkers. I could never understand why someone would sit patiently in a car, waiting for the right time to accidently bump into you, or count the number of telephone lines that go into your house, or steal exercise books from the teacher’s room in school so that he could pretend that the teacher dropped it simply for that short momentary opportunity to say ‘hello’. I could never understand how someone would go through all the trouble of studying a person’s weekly routine and yet never mustered up the courage to speak to her. How can there be an obsession if these two were total strangers that led separate lives? If ever you meet a guy whose idea of a conservation starts off with “Have you ever had sex with a different person, and imagine yourself having sex with someone else?” then my friend, run….. as fast and as far as you can because chances are, you’ll end up living in the same neighbourhood after 10 years.

If beauty is not an obsession, why do women work so hard to look good? Is it to please the men, or a natural competitive nature to appeal to other women? Could it just be the feel good factor? I think people who say that they aren’t flattered by compliments are lying. Everyone seeks for gratitude and acknowledgement every once in a while. Abraham Maslow proved it centuries ago through his hierarchy of needs. 

When I used to be in competitive swimming, we’d swim up and down the 50m pool everyday, sometimes twice a day, six times a week. If it was passion, then it certainly turned into an obsession to beat our best time or that of our closest competitors that kept one going. Or is determination alone enough to sustain the desire to push beyond one’s limits?

My friend said I have this constant obsession to fix things. I remember a time in high school when I was pursued by a gangster classmate who was expelled from school. I was a prefect so the teacher arranged for me to sit next to him in class. It was a little condescending at first, but I decided that instead of ’suffering’ in awkward silence, I decided to ’make a difference’, to be his new best friend and helped him with his studies so that he would shy away from the ‘dark’ side. Somehow, like a context out of chinese tele series, he misunderstood my actions, some dramas in between and last I heard, he’s now a loan shark. Good for him.  

I used to put in so much into my relationships. Time and time again, I end up broken and disappointed. I’m happy that I’ve remained friends with ‘them’ minus 1. It made me wonder why I wasted so much time to fix relationships with ’some people’ who aren’t worth my affection in the first place. It still bothers me that we’re not in speaking terms, because we were really good friends before we even got together. Can’t friendship be salvaged if relationship do not work out? These days, I’ve shifted my energy, time and attention to happy lovely couples out there and building my business. That’s my obsession, and a few too many to name for now.